Poor Weather, Poor Food, Poor Measures.

Poor Weather, Poor Food, Poor Measures.

We've had an unbelievably great time, amazing locations, weather, food and measures of alcohol. It's been great spending time with Dean & Alli who have been superb traveling companions. Highlights include Dean bringing a pack of cards that were magic ones, half of them being the 9 of hearts, Alli braving the toboggan run and Sue stealing glasses from the bar. All of us getting stern telling offs in the Hotel at Innsbruck, those tense moments driving the Stelvio Pass, watching the International Space Station pass over Lake Como, The Galati in Florence, The Leaning Tower Of Pisa and Oval Pizzas in Milan. 

Phew! 

We've driven high up in mountains, around lakes and through tunnels. We've baked in the sun, cooled off in the pool and kept hydrated. Most importantly, we've had a really good laugh, swapped stories and wowed at some of the most beautiful natural & man made sights this world has to offer.

In the Euro Tunnel carriage there is a carful of chavs in front of us who get out and stand around with their hands down the front of their jogging bottoms.

Over 2400 miles and we have returned to England. 

Now we have returned to flash floods, McDonalds & draconian out of date drink laws.   

But I guess everyone else must like it this way. 

Here's to the next great escape.....

Welcome To Euro Tunnel

Welcome to Euro Tunnel ! 

It's 10:30 now, in the terminal Wh Smiths was long shut when we arrived at 9:30, the burger bar had just stopped serving, the Cafe Del Arte Pizza / Pasta place was serving up what has been lying around all day and looks as appetising as a pair of old incontinent mans loafers. The only bright spot on the greasy teenage acne face of Le Shuttle cuisine is the Brioche Dorée, it's a ham baguette oasis and is the only place serving food to all the delayed shuttlers who will be stuck here for a couple of hours. 

This is all excellent preparation for our return to England. We are booked on the 12:30 (11:30 BST), unless we get mistaken for illegal immigrants and get sent back to where we came from. 

2058

Calais is in sight, when ever I'm in this part of the world I completely understand why the British let the French have it back. You can have Norfolk too if you like.....

We are driving into the most amazing sunset, Whilst trying to persuade Dean not to get al Thelma & Louise on us. 

1945

St Quentin on the A26 is our current location. 100 miles to Calais.

We can tell we're close to England as there are lots of GB cars in the overtaking lane.

1656

We are somewhere at a service station in the Champagne region. We are making excellent time despite the heavy rain. 

One of the great things about driving through France is that every region & town has their own personal sign depicting some historic event that is connected with that area. I'm still struggling to find the significance of the one we recently past, a large snake vomiting on central France. 

1330

Stopped of at a Service Station, how the mighty have fallen. The toilets smell like toilets.

Time for heavy motoring!

1226

We have left Italy via the Mont Blanc tunnel. 

40 euros of underground fun!

The tunnel seems to be celebrating 50 years of business, personally I'm finding it hard to get exited about it, cest la ve. 

Once again we have traveled unhindered over the boarder as we have since we left England. Getting back into the UK won't be so easy due to the paranoia and fear of this little island. If you want to stop people coming, just before the boarder show the price of fuel, alcohol and food, the average rainfall and a free Happy Eater breakfast. You won't need boarder control. 

1142

Over 100 miles into the journey and we are in tunnel country en route to the Monte Bianco / Mont Blanc tunnel.

The temperature has dropped to an icy 23 degrees, fortunately I didn't pack my coat in the suit case.

We are currently on the A5 La Salle.

1040

Barely on the Autostrada (motorway) and Dean drops the most atrocious fart. I've booked my nose in for councelling on Tuesday.

We are making good time and Suzie is doing a great job behind the wheel.
Currently on the A5 by Lago Di Viverone.

And we're off!

Lorra Lorra Miles

Lorra Lorra Miles

Up up, rise and shine, stand by your beds. 

What's the time?

Oh seven thirty.

What's the oh for?

Oh my god it's early.

We have over 760 miles to cover today, the Euro Star leaves at midnight and we must be on it. Just to rack up the pressure we have a very important wedding to be at tomorrow, Sue's brother Neil is getting married (about time I might add!) to Rachel. 

Cue the music from Stingray,

Put on your driving gloves

Rev your engine,

Ready,

Set,

.

.

.

Time to hit the buffet breakfast!!!!

That's a whole lotta pay cards.

The Last Supper

The Last Supper

Just been for a great meal with Suzie, Dean & Alli. Our last evening in Italy and what a great time it's been. 

Tomorrow will be the "big push" out of Italy, across France and back to the land of drizzle & embarrassing royalty. 

We'll keep you updated on our progress, in a Dad's Army opening credits styley. 

Milano

We endured a banquet of a breakfast this morning before hot footing it on the subway to the centre of Milan. Dean's first step into the piazza and he's jumped on by a street seller, fortunately Sue came to the rescue with her use of the ancient Japanese martial art of shouting. The street sellers are a lot more aggressive here and you have to be firmer than a Pedo priest at scout camp. 

We head straight for the incredible Cathedral here, after a look inside we purchase our tickets and head for the roof, in a lift. When it's this hot I'm sure the lord can forgive us for not taking the stairs of righteousness and taking the elevator of sin. 

Whilst myself and Dean are wandering around on the roof, I reflect on how different we are. Dean is thinking over the immense task of the construction of this monumental statement to God. I on the other hand, am wondering what all the hundreds of statues that decorate this cathedral, talk about  when they come alive at night. 

After we return to Terra Firma we stumble upon a shopping mall. Now for those who live in Chatham, this is a work of art, not The Pentagon, which for those of you who don't live in Chatham, is the cesspit of Kent. Dean finds shops full of watch-porn while I find a record shop. Yes a shop that sells vinyl records, along with CD's. For those of you who can't remember, this was how we used to buy music, for those who are too young this was when music was worth buying. 

After Dean, Alli & Sue remove me from the shop by force we continue to sight see around central Milan. 

On the way back to the hotel the subway is considerably busier and smells like old feet wrapped in bacon. Or maybe it's the two guys with a Jedwood haircut?

Tally Ho

We are now in Milan in a wonderful top notch hotel. 

Modern. 

Clean. 

Bathroom doesn't have a temperature similar to the melting point of Tungsten. 

As always though, there is something amiss wherever we stay. Here, it is the absence of a bar man and it was difficult to get out of the man on reception exactly why there will be no one working in the bar today, so instead we head out in search of alcohol. I don't possess many real useful talents, but one thing I can do is find an interesting bar. Not far from our hotel I see an Ethiopian bar that looks perfect, I manage to communicate our drinks choice in my bare bones Italian. I then notice there is some military program on, and I suddenly get the feeling I've brought everyone to Milan's top Taliban drinking establishment. We stay for a second round and get complimentary crisps, which just goes to show that even suicide bombers deserve a second chance. 

We then went to eat at the attractively named Ristorante On The Grill, for a very nice & thrifty meal. Sue decided to eat horse meat, so I spent the entire meal humming the Black Beauty theme. 

Then it was back to our room for Limoncello & laughs, although it meant Sue doing a daredevil run into the bar to get a couple of extra glasses. No one noticed. Dean played Buddy Cluedo, trying to work out which one of us punched him in the back. It turned oh to be Miss Scarlett, with the fist, in the bedroom.  

 

Lean On Me

Lean On Me

Just arrived in Milan where the temperature has plummeted to 38 degrees, just as well I brought my gloves along. 

We came via Pisa, to see the legendary Leaning Tower, begun 1173, it was leaning by the time they finished the 3rd tier. By 1993 the tilt was increasing by 1.2 mm a year and was in imminent danger of collapse, fortunately restoration which finished in 2001, saved this beautiful landmark. Even if you straightened the base of the tower,  it would still not be strait as it's banana shaped, built to correct the lean it already had, before its completion in 1350. It's lean, is still dependant on the water table levels in the foundation and the wind. 

To honour the mighty Galileo who carried out experiments around gravity laws, I took a very large moaning Italian mama and a hamster to the top to see which would hit the ground first. Unfortunately  Italy ex PM  Silvio Berlusconi brought in very strict laws on abuse & cruelty and made me use a chair instead of the hamster. 

The journey here was tire squealingly fun and I'd forgotten just how bendy the Autostrada is. I've just turned the heating up in the bathroom so we feel at home. 

I got - psssss - Steam Heat

The time has come to leave the Hotel Byron and its sweltering  bathrooms. 

I will miss many thinks about Florence, but my urine turning to steam when it exits my body will not be one of them. 

Before we head to our final Italian city, we have a date with a legend.

Buonanotte

Buonanotte  

Dean and Alli tell us they had a fabulous day and managed to find an Olympic sized swimming pool. They also found a large market that sold live animals, dogs, cats and even terrapins, although from the look on Alli's face while she was describing the cages they were kept in, it wasn't an environment the RSPCA would condone.   

We head out and enjoy another superb meal, followed by a final visit to the Festival Del Gelato. Yes, this is our last night in Florence, tomorrow we are off to another city. I've loved our time here in Firenze, it's a wonderful, colourful and oozes history. Not just in art either, Galileo lived, worked and is buried here. 

On our way back to the hotel tonight, I discuss with Dean how Florence, like the other places we have visited, is free of chavs & scum. Even the winos outside our hotel have a certain je ne sais quoi. 

Next to the Fiat 500, the smart car looks remarkably roomy.

Nice Jugs

Za-zoom za-zoom za-zoom

Za-zoom za-zoom za-zoom

Italy's Alberto Ascari and the great Tasio Nuvelari, two of the greatest drivers the world has ever seen. I'm sure one of them was driving our tour bus today. 

Dean and Alli went off to find a pool this morning, I suspect they made breakfast which is more than we did today. After apricot croissants and negotiating some tea for Sue we headed round the corner to the bus station. 

Fiesole

I really feel like we discovered some more of Florence and it's locale today. To the stunning vista of the city from Piazzale Michelangelo to the breathtaking village of Fiesole. We've always been fans of city tours, it's a great way to get your bearings and discover the best a city has to offer. The drivers do like to get a move on though, I can understand why these busses have seat belts. 

Piazzale Michelangelo

We then head back into the market so Sue can use her black belt bartering skills. There are lots of street sellers here, but they are not as aggressive as they are in many other European destinations, and it's quite easy to be clear that you really don't have a desperate need for a gelatinous animal ball, that splats out when you throw it at the ground. 

I really believed it was getting cooler, however I'm reliably informed that I'm just getting used to the temperature. I had truly forgotten what summer felt like since I last experienced it in Las Vegas two years ago. 

We are both looking forward to seeing Dean & Alli later and finding out about their adventures. 

Take Me To The Bridge

This morning our bathroom has become rather crowded. A team of physicists is now in there as they've decided it's a far more cost effective way of research in extreme conditions than the billions spent on large underground tunnels. 

Last night we went of the beaten piazza and found some of Florence's more tucked away and economical establishments. Even so, as always the food is tasty and fresh and the service friendly. 

We walk down to the river Arno and gaze at the floodlit Ponte Vecchio, one of the most beautiful bridges in the world. Built in 1345; the previous two got washed away by the floods of 1177 & 1333, was saved from the deluge in 1966 by the flood precautions of a certain Mr Leonado da Vinci. It was also the only bridge not blown up by the retreating WWII German army , who decided just to mine both sides rather than hurt any future tourist trade. I became fascinated by this bridge when I was finding out about the original stone London Bridge, which had houses & shops on it like this one, albeit over twice the length of its Italian cousin. The buildings on here were originally tanneries and butchers, but these gave way to jewellers which still trade on the bridge today. 

We find a great bar/tavern/pub near by called "The Old Stove" which has lots of atmosphere and very good loud music, with the obvious exception of Michael Buble, you just can't replace soul with smarm, but that's another saga....

We eventually head back via another Irish Bar, Dean goes on a ramble to find the pub toilets and apparently returns with the best video ever. I'm just hoping he doesn't show it to his Mum, or even worse, me. I really don't need to see the moving image of the "Whale Bone".

On that note it's time for a cold shower and scolding hot shower gel, I really must remember not to leave it in the bathroom from hell. And there is a loud cheer from the physicists, It would seem they've just discovered the particle responsible for flared trousers. 

Pray Time

After the breakfast ceremonies we do some morning karaoke in the hotel lounge, expect Dean to sing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears at a Masterclass gig soon. 

We then head off for some spiritual guidance at the Cathedral.  One thing these Catholics take very seriously is there religion and holy places, so bikini clad visitors are asked to wear what looks like blue sacks for the duration of their stay. I'm quite surprised by how many people hang on to them once they leave. I personally feel they should be coloured "hessian brown". 

We venture into the crypt and see some of the original Roman mosaics that were here before someone dumped a cathedral on top of them.

Its a reminder that Florence is permeated by its history, recent archaeological evidence shows evidence of a village here around 200BC, subsequently Julius Caesar, Dante, Michelangelo, Leonardo Divinci and the brilliantly named Lorenzo il Magnifico* are just some of the names linked with this city. 

Like those illustrious names that have gone before us, it is now our turn to contribute and inflate the culture of this artisan city of romance and passion. A pair of trainers and a couple of t shirts from the Ferrari shop later, it's time for a gelato stop. We were advised to try the liquorice flavour, and it didn't disappoint.  

The sun continues to beat down and we head back to the hotel with a bag full of iced water for a siesta. 

No soft toilet paper here!

Paul & Shark - Sue's favourite shop.

*~Magic Show Every night at the Top Hat Bar, except October.

Florence And The Machine

Florence & The Machine

Where was I? Oh yes, on the way back to chip into our igloo hotel room, as I'd turned the air conditioning down to arctic circle. 

Or so I thought. 

Due to a massive misinterpretation of buttons, I'd actually set it to winter, giving us a nice toastie feeling. This was nothing however to the heat of the bathroom, for some insane, alien and beyond any reasonable logic of thinking, the heating is on in there. Just walking through the door I can begin to feel my own testicles boiling in their bag. Sue eventually susses that the a/c control with a snow flake on it, means "Winter", not "make it cold" and with the toilet door shut we get it down to a cosy 15 degrees. 

We head back out into the night for more wandering and indulging, it is still wonderfully hot, although I'm the only one of our party who is really appreciating this weather. The piazzas are now full of entertainers and street sellers, if plastic LED flying toys are your thing, this is your Mecca. Also expect to be hassled by flower sellers, just say no kids.

Those that eat in the piazza, pay by the piazza, think of it as an "exquisite    scenery" tax. It's still only what you'd pay in Pizza Express in the Uk and 1000% better. 

We make our way back to The Byron for a nights sleep, wondering if we're going to be baked or encased in carbonite by the morning. 

All is well though, the bathroom however is still nut roastingly hot. 

See, Italians think it's funny too.

Dean fought the Cornish pasty, and the Cornish pasty won.

Piazza, Ponte, Gelato, Accordion

Piazza, Ponte, Gelato, Accordion

Three places in the world I feel really at home, London, NYC and here, Florence. 

There are so many wonderful memories from the Hotel Byron, the crazy upholstered lift, the drunks in the gutter and the impossibly tight car park entrance that comes with complimentary panel beating. 

We head to the nearest Piazza for a cool drink and pizza/pasta. 

Then it's time to walk over the famous Ponte Vecchio, one of the worlds most beautiful bridges, which today seems to be inhabited by an angry Italian troll, who is stomping over it, shouting and shaking his fists at no one in particular.   

On the other side Dean & Alli get spooked when a cheeky Italian shopkeeper ask the if they've bought a "browsing ticket". 

Back over the bridge I find a shop called "Frey Willie", which sounds like a cross between an unethical Disney film and a STD. 

We eventually stumble across "Festival Del Gelato", a heavenly vision of ice cream & neon lights. Alli suggests instead of a pub crawl we go on an ice cream crawl, as there are so many Gelati  shops. 

The sweet aroma soon evolves as we arrive at Il Duomo (the cathedral) as the horse manure festers in the 40 degree heat. 

Whilst we were dining earlier we listened to a button accordion player who was amazing. On the way back to the hotel we stopped and bought his cd. 

Time for a short siesta and to de-ice the room, as we left the a/c on full. 

Firenze

It's Firenze, it's 40 degrees, we're back at the Byron Hotel and they've reupholstered the lift!
I couldn't be happier.

Captain's Log, Supplemental.

We are somewhere between Milan & Bologna, listening to all Italian radio has to offer. It seems to be the thing to play obscure tracks by famous artists. 

This morning's breakfast banter covered the idiosyncratic nature of language and the use of Pi in engineering. It's amazing the power of fresh bread, cheese and ham. 

The hotel, very smartly, has an underground car park. Unfortunately, in a manner that is becoming something of a habit, I chose the wrong time to bring the car above ground. I once saw a film ( I seem to recall by Steven Spielberg) about a man who is chased by a mysterious lorry, for no obvious reason. I get into our car and all of a sudden a Frenchman parks in front of me then proceeds to block me in at every step of my egress. This cat & mouse shanangins continues right until we park outside the main entrance of the hotel, at which point he runs into reception laughing all the way. Like the aforementioned film I'm baffled by this. I decide it's the kind of war that nobody can win and load our luggage into the boot. 

  

ogni giorno è come Domenica

ogni giorno è come Domenica

The time has come to bid farewell to Albergo Rusall & Lake Como.

It's beautiful here and we would highly recommend this hotel, we'll miss its friendly staff, cool pool and 5meg wifi. 

But we must press on, for today we will reach our zenith. Firenze and an old friend awaits us. 

The sun sets on Lake Como

Punk Rock For The Nandos Generation

Punk rock for the Nando's Generation 

I'll be honest with you, we've done nothing all day except hang out by the pool, hang out in the pool to cool down and drink in the bar, all while taking in the stunning views of Lake Como. 

This morning over breakfast, we were discussing the food we've had since we've been in Europe. Great food comes as standard here, it's all prepared in the kitchens, not a microwave or "student earning  a few quid before they get a proper job" in site. Attention to detail and a passion for cooking is sacred. It certainly puts the Beefeater & Harvester into perspective. 

Dean's been busy today though, he's finally got himself a bebo account. Sometimes life's gags just write themselves. He also had to rescue Alli's Hat and braved Lizard Beasts and man eating nettles to retrieve it.   His penchant for Stevie Ocean grows ever stronger and is the main reason why he signed up to a social networking site that's deader than a Nando's chicken. 

Here's to another hot day in the mid 30's. I hear everyone is moaning about how hot it is back in the UK. Just wait until you eat out & taste the food! 

PS - Stevie Ocean accepted Dean's bebo friend invite. 

Busy, Italian Style

and breath out......

and breath out......

Today's major challenge isn't the gut wrenching hairpins and sheer drops of the Stelvio Pass, it's where we are going to find fuel in this remote alpine region. Fingers crossed eh!

After breakfast we head up the last few hundred feet to the summit and I bang my head on the top of the world. Then it's feet off the pedals and cruise all the way to the bottom. The twists, turns and room for one narrow tunnels are brilliant fun to drive but I'm suprised Top Gear voted this the best road in the world as it's hard to believe Jeremy Clarkson would enjoy negotiating cyclists & motor-homes (which are, let's face it, caravans with engines)  that clog up the fun. 

I do salute the coach drivers that take on this route. Outside our hotel was a bus stop with a once an hour service. That's equal to what we get in Canterbury from "Arriva". 

We finally coast on fumes into a petrol station at the bottom of the mountain and discover that diesel is more pricey here in Italy, although still cheaper than the UK. I suspected yesterday what good value for money Austria is when we followed an Italian car across the boarder that was smuggling a brand new washing machine. 

We pull into our hotel at Lake Como, open the doors and realise how busy the air conditioning has been over the past few hours. It's baking hot and nice and oxygeney, due to our lack of altitude. The past few days has been a bit wheezy and we've been gasping like chain smokers doing a fun run. 

We've checked into our hotel which had great views of the mountains and lake. A huge bonus is the bidet (beeday) in the bathroom as this is ideal for keeping the champagne bottles chilled.

Let the tranquil peace begin, and exhale.......

For sale in a supermarket. Can I use my club card points? 

We zip into Germany we zip out, it's like going into Wisconsin.

We zip into Germany we zip out, it's like going into Wisconsin.

Back over the boarder into Austria we make our way to to Italy through more exquisite alpine scenery. The sun has returned and the church's are built on ever more precarious locations, we must be getting close to the boarder. Austria has been fantastic and I would certainly love to return here again.

One of the great things about traveling around Europe is that the journey from Austria to Italy is as unimpeded as the journey from Kent to Essex, [insert gag here]. 

Once in Italy, we head to the Stelvio Pass, which sounds like a dodgy kebab shop but is in fact the 2nd highest tarmac pass in the Alps. It's hairpin after hairpin on the way up, very busy with cars, motorbikes and brave motorhomes. We've also been reminded about the Italian sport of "Autojousting", they do love driving up the middle of the road. 

After losing half an inch of rubber and a quarter of a stone, we pull into the FranzensHöhe Berg Hotel, within sight of the pass summit. €54 each, including 5 course meal and breakfast seems like good value. Dinner was stunning, and worth the money on its own. After coffees and limoncellos we go outside to watch the stars in an unlightpolluted  environment. We see the milky way and shooting stars, followed by a pass of the International Space Station.  

Which leaves just enough time for a bedroom party and part 2 of "What ever happened to Stevie Ocean" before we head to bed. 

Another destination awaits us tomorrow ......

Voyage To Vulgaria

Voyage to Vulgaria

Just before they make us an honouree Austrian and present us with a garland of garlic to wear at night we pack our bags and bid Austria farewell. 

Just as I'm about to pack the car, the heavens open, typical! It's the first inclement weather we've had so nobody is too miffed. Our ultimate destination today is Italy but first we backtrack to Germany to visit Neuschwanstein  Castle,  which in the booklet says was built by King Ludvig II of Bavaria,  although I personally suspect he contracted the work out to castle builders. The foundations were laid in 1869 and took 21 years to finish. For those who don't have a degree in Germanic histories this was the Castle used in the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Unfortunately it's currently undergoing renovation so the north side has scaffolding up. We still make the trek up to it and despite it being heavy going we are glad to see it up close. It's a shame we don't have time for the full tour, but Italy beckons so we head to bladder control and head south. 

On that note I'd like to thank Tracy Whale for giving me the German for where is the toilet as I was in danger of either being arrested or sold a Michael Jackson cd. 

   

A medieval Barry Kitchin

Lumber Support

Lumber Support

After another breakfast by the beaver, we headed off early to the top of Austria. In our short time here, we've noticed just how clean it is. Cuckoo clock houses with immaculate flower boxes, small roadside chapels kept pristine with candles lit by night. Austrians take great pride in their beautiful country, second only to their great stockpiles of timber for the winter. When it comes to dealing with the winter, these guys are loaded for bear but despite the huge changes in climate and temperature, the roads we travel on are smooth and pretty much pot hole free. 

Today's journey takes us too the mighty Großglockner Pass, built between 1930 & 1935 this 48km road gives up stunning scenery. We stop off at it's highest point (8,218ft / 2595 m) to eat once again amongst stuffed animals, my favourite being a hare on crutches. We continue on and see snow by the roadside on our way to the Pasterze Glacier. Again we stop and marvel at the sight of ice in August

We manage to get back down just before the break pads melt and stop off for dinner at Hohe Brüke in Mittersill. 

My dinner, an Austrian take on macaroni cheese, came served in a pan.

I've really struggled with the German language but can usually get by with either looking helpless or by making gestures:- eating, time, We drove to Austria etc. are all fairly simple gestures to communicate with. I'm still however, waiting for confirmation on the acceptability of my suggestion for "I need the toilet".  

We drive back for our final night in Austria, all back to our room to watch the first part of "What Ever Happened To Stevie Ocean" on You Tube. It's highly recommended. 

Time for slumber, as we have to rescue Grandpa Potts tomorrow! 

I've no idea what the significance of these pictures are on the milk. If you know then please send your answer to:-

WTF

BBC TV Centre

London

W12 8QT